just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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