...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got inside last night via doggy door
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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