If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
