I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
