i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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