im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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