I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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