I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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