my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
