just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
