if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
