I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
