bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
