i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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