i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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