I feel like abortions should bother me more
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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