I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
