I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
