you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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