Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am mentally ready for anal.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
