My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
