If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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