everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
