My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i need some magic done to my vagina
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
