I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
