that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
