cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
