Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
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I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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