We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
