I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
