it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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