I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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