I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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