Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
