and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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