I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
