chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
