They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
