I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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