i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
