someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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