I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
