is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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