if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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