At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
