I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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