9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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