then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
