why didn't you poke me back
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
