i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
