we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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