She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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