doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
