Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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