theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
